Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Pain

28 quotes

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.

If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.

I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: "I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!"

I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddave... Kkkikikill your papapaparents!

Knock me out with the first pain, and wake me up when the hairdresser arrives.

Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.

If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you’ll find it begins to move on after a while.

Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.

I've never made the connection between physical pain and sexual arousal, because when we were kids my dad used to kick the shit out of us and if he saw you getting a boner - game over.

Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.

Breakups hurt like a motherfucker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.

It's pain that changes our lives.