Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Work

34 quotes

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.

The upper class: keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class: pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there... just to scare the shit out of the middle class.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

What is that fucking dot on Indian guy's heads? I know what it is. It's a camera. That's why they work at 7-11. Don't steal shit. They got your ass on camera.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

Women want you to suffer. You know what I mean? They want you to go 4 to 8 grand in debt. They want you to do that, and go to work every fucking day, knowing that you're working for their fucking love and the use of their fucking vagina.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.

Nobody's about saving anymore. No one cares about a rainy day anymore. Nobody saves up enough for even an umbrella for a rainy day. It's sad. It really is a new form of slavery. We used to work to be able to afford material things. Now we work for these things. They're the boss. That house you can't afford, that car that's out of your price range, that cellphone that drains your bank account - that's your boss.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning... That can keep me awake for days.