Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 136

I was in a real conservative area just outside of Chicago recently. And this guy's like, 'Hey, Arj, you're from San Francisco. Are you in favor of gay marriage?' I was like, 'Well, I'd like to get to know you a little bit better first. I don't know what ever happened to buying a guy a smoothie and seeing what happens. That's how we do it back home.'

When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I'd get so panicked that I would stutter.

The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, "You offended me" then you say "I don’t care!" If they’re offended by the truth, that’s their issue!

So why would I want to call myself a conservative after the way them white racist thugs have used that word to hide behind? They call themselves new Republicans.

My fitness goals are different than most peoples. Most people want to lose enough weight so they look good in a bathing suit or they want to lower their cholesterol. I just want to lose enough so my stomach doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth.

I can’t go to jail, not with his soft skin and these boyish good looks. I’ll be snapped up before the first lights out!

I have this dream life where I get to be a celebrity but I get to navigate the world fairly easily because I'm always in character.

Be talented enough to make it and stupid enough to keep trying.

I did a benefit for a feminist organization. Now benefit means 'no money,' so I should be able to say what I want to say. And I figured if I pissed them off, who cares? What, they're going to get mad and pay me? So it's all feminists - Gloria Steinem's sitting right up front. So, I walk out there, and I'm like, 'Hey look, I can't stay here too long with you broads because I got to get home and cook my man a nice hot dinner.'

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

I don't want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean?

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

The truth is supposed to hurt. That's how it lets you know you don't got it.

Once they make their commitment, they have to stay with that commitment, ... They have to live with that decision.