Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 136
See, it's frivolous, superfluous products in America. Like scented toilet paper... is the dumbest thing in the world! The only thing you don't have to make smell good cause it's gonna get fucked up. Who is that smell there to impress? My thumb? If you want to impress my thumb, make it thicker in the middle.
I’m an Asian with a Southern accent. To a lot of people, that right there is funny.
Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
Don't most men actually think that the more money they spend on a date, the more fingers they get to stick in your pussy before they kiss you goodnight?
Mexican people never say they’re sorry. My grandmother, when I was young, hit me with her car. I was in the driveway–pang! “You know where I park, cabron. Mira, where the oil is.” Did she say she was sorry? “Ta loco, he’s seven. When he starts paying the bills, then I’ll say sorry.”
Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."
I did a benefit for a feminist organization. Now benefit means 'no money,' so I should be able to say what I want to say. And I figured if I pissed them off, who cares? What, they're going to get mad and pay me? So it's all feminists - Gloria Steinem's sitting right up front. So, I walk out there, and I'm like, 'Hey look, I can't stay here too long with you broads because I got to get home and cook my man a nice hot dinner.'
They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.