Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 405

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.” That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

I thought my girlfriend told me I was her soul mate, but what she said was 'cell mate.'

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you’re talented.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Hey, what do you expect from a culture that drives on parkways and parks on driveways?

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

I’m a dumb guy. My point of view is limited.

It doesn't behoove us not to ask these questions. It makes us look like fools.

Its too hot for a penguin out here come here mister penguin.

The nervousness never lasted more than a second because he was so congenial and comfortable. He made more stars on his show, probably, than anybody in the whole history of show business.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv.

It’s something I’ve always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the "Rich Man, Poor Man" thing.

If I could have any job I would be a cat… but that’s not something I’m supposed to talk about in public.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.