Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 405

I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

Any issues my parents went through are very prominent in the movie, even though they enjoyed a happy relationship. The story actually started for me when my mom told me a few years ago that because she got a job, she never made it to the World's Fair in New York, and that's a missed opportunity that always stayed with her.

I don't like letting my friends drive drunk, but I was smoking a joint I really couldn't say shit to the guy.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

I couldn't stop. I put the pipe down. It jumped back in my hand.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

I still get very scared when I step in front of a live audience.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

There`s nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you`re busy or just want to flirt, but it`s hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree.

It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.

I’m a dumb guy. My point of view is limited.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Everyday I look across the office floor, there you were, your hair down to your legs and your legs down the the floor.