Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 405
It's a constant battle between what your heart tells you, and what your brain tells you.
I thought my girlfriend told me I was her soul mate, but what she said was 'cell mate.'
Well I grew up in Canada in a really small town. We didn't have running water for a long time and we didn't have TV. Then when we did get TV we only had one channel.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest... when they start to bleed go, "I guess not".
Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.
Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.
I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.