Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 405

I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?

I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.

If you want some pussy, you'll talk all that shit with them. 'Hey, yeah, sure,, the cosmos.. sure..'

I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.

I thought my girlfriend told me I was her soul mate, but what she said was 'cell mate.'

Please kids, I beg you. Don't be stealing beer underage.

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

Intellectually, I think everyone really knows that women are funny, but it’s a weird thing that people keep trotting out.

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.

When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It's not enough, but it helps.

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.

Its too hot for a penguin out here come here mister penguin.