Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 409
My wife gets mad because we'll be in the middle of something and I'll stop and say, 'No, I've got to write this down!' She'll say, 'No! We're in a discussion!' I say, 'I know, but it's hilarious!'
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.
I find masturbation to be too intimate quite frankly. In fact, I won’t even masturbate unless I promise myself to take myself afterwards out to a dinner and a film. Which is sad.
You can't run on a mistake. Franklin Roosevelt didn't run for re-election claiming Pearl Harbor was his finest hour. Abe Lincoln was a great president, but the high point of his second term wasn't theater security. 9/11 wasn't a triumph of the human spirit. It was a fuck-up by a guy on vacation.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.
Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"