Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 409
I went into a lingerie department one day and I said to the lady, 'I'd like to see something in a bra,' and she said, 'I bet you would!'
I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.
Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
This is inarguably a failure of leadership from the top of the federal government. Remember when Bill Clinton went out with Monica Lewinsky. That was unarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for his behaviour. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush’s Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is that tens of thousands of people weren’t stranded in Monica Lewinsky’s vagina.
I love mullets. The other day, in Pittsburgh, I saw the greatest mullet I've ever seen. I can't describe it. It was just the mullet of all time; complete 'business in the front, party in the back.' I've never seen anything like it.
If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.
Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.
I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.
I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry." The guy said, "Regular?" I said, "No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy."
I was working at a golf course mowing stuff… That was the worst job ever. I got bit by a swan… You don’t ever recover from that either. That’s not supposed to happen. Who do you trust after that? I rather get attacked by a bear. Because if you get attacked by a bear you might lose an arm or something, but you got a freakin’ story at least.
I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.