Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 409
My grandfather was a very insignificant man: at his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
I find masturbation to be too intimate quite frankly. In fact, I won’t even masturbate unless I promise myself to take myself afterwards out to a dinner and a film. Which is sad.
I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, “YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET, DO YOU?! YOU HAVEN'T SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET! MY HEAD'S STILL ON MY TORSO!! I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!!”
And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.
Fuckin' is good for you, Jack. Gettin' some pussy beats having a war.
I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.
If you want some pussy, you'll talk all that shit with them. 'Hey, yeah, sure,, the cosmos.. sure..'
In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?
Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.