Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 410
Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.
I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.
I advise treating the studio audience like a nightclub audience because that’s the reason you’re doing television – to get them to come see you in a nightclub.
It's botherin' me, man. You know, "you can't say this, you can't say that," I'm like, well, how am I gonna talk about the world? You know? I mean I need to talk about something to you all, can I - can I do it? Can I talk to y'all? I mean, I hope the kids are in bed, you know, because I got to talk, y'all.
I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.
It’s not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
4 in every 8 math teachers think that they should be 1 in every 2 math teachers.
I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
It turns out I was duped. I have no-one to blame but myself and boy is my face red... Now I need to apologise to the Lindsay Lohan family. I hope I didn't embarrass you and your family.
I would actually go up during those; it was kind of scary for the people at first and then they were happy. Now, there's a couple amazing people out on the road like Pablo Francisco and Dane Cook is out there and they're building a huge audience with the craft of stand up comedy.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.