Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 410

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.

I'm Bo yo I'm the greatest rapper ever ever and I'll whether you weather, whether you think you better your not don't need a sweater I'm hot, I'm a really cool shorty who can really find your g-spot... what the fucks a g-spot.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

A good story is always you doing something wrong, you know? That's why nice people are so damn boring. I mean, they're nice, but their stories suck.

Is being an idiot like being high all the time?

My grandfather was a very insignificant man: at his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.

My influences were Woody Allen and Lenny Bruce.

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."

I advise treating the studio audience like a nightclub audience because that’s the reason you’re doing television – to get them to come see you in a nightclub.

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.

I don't want the money. I don't want the drama. I just want to do my show. I want to have fun again.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I was working at a golf course mowing stuff… That was the worst job ever. I got bit by a swan… You don’t ever recover from that either. That’s not supposed to happen. Who do you trust after that? I rather get attacked by a bear. Because if you get attacked by a bear you might lose an arm or something, but you got a freakin’ story at least.

I love anybody funny - even people who are bastards, who are evil people, the meanest people you can imagine, even if they treat me horrifically or they treat people like shit - just because they're funny. Being funny is a jewel in the crown of life.

I sort of felt sorry for the damned flies. They never hurt anybody. Even though they were supposed to carry diseases I never heard of anybody saying they caught something form a fly. My cousin gave two guys the clap and nobody ever whacked her with a paper.