Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 410
I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.
My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.
I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.
I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
When I started off in DC, you didn’t get viral first. You got funny first.
If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.
Intellectually, I think everyone really knows that women are funny, but it’s a weird thing that people keep trotting out.
Religion has what is easily the greatest bullshit story of all time.
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
I don't think anybody should go through life without a team of psychologists. I have been through times when I'm literally squatting in the living room, having one of those open-throated cries, where you're crying all the way to your butthole. I always believed I would come out of it, though.