Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 421
Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.
The one thing an audience always has in common with a comedian is troubles. The Yiddish word for that is tsuris. You're always putting your tsuris on stage whether you like it or not. No one is untroubled, unless they're just, you know, an imbecile.
Jamie Masada is paying for comedians, in lieu of paying them well, he’s paying for them to have therapy at the Laugh Factory. I can just imagine the comedians talking to the therapist "I dunno, sometimes the audiences here just seem to suck... It is just me, or does the owner here seem crazy?"
But I really felt that, something about the lights going down, and the sense of community. I saw this movie at one festival, and there were 1700 people.
Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."
You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing out of its mouth.
Human beings only use ten percent of their brains. Ten percent! Can you imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other sixty percent?
I had a girl put on crotchless britches for my birthday one time. I come home, she was like, “want some of this right here.” i go, “No, look what it did to your underbritches over there.”
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
I went into a lingerie department one day and I said to the lady, 'I'd like to see something in a bra,' and she said, 'I bet you would!'
I don't like letting my friends drive drunk, but I was smoking a joint I really couldn't say shit to the guy.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.