Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 421
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat.
Jamie Masada is paying for comedians, in lieu of paying them well, he’s paying for them to have therapy at the Laugh Factory. I can just imagine the comedians talking to the therapist "I dunno, sometimes the audiences here just seem to suck... It is just me, or does the owner here seem crazy?"
We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
You know, if a woman falls over wearing heels, that's embarrassing, but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself. It's the end of your life. Its quite difficult.
Our air quality's all messed up now. Knew that was coming when they lowered the emissions standards. Knew that was gonna happen when he appointed Christine Whitman head of the EPA. Yeah, the governor of New Jersey is head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Do you know how dirty New Jersey is?
Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may be reaching for the corner of the rug.
I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.
My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.