Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 421
George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.
"Dodge" is the perfect word to put on the front of a van comin' at ya. If it says "Ram" on the side, they're after your ass.
In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?
Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.
Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.
Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.
You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.
Some nights it was a melee, literally, where I'd be standing trying to defend myself for what I was doing. People would be screaming at me to do my old act, and getting actually violent and angry at me.
The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
My father was a rabbi and had a little synagogue in Canada, so I'm from Canada. I left there at 16.
Everyone has the gift of laughter inside of them. All the world is a prop.