Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 421
I took a course at Cal once called Statistical Analysis. And there was a guy in the course who used to make up all his computations and he never used Sigma. He used his own initials. 'Cause he was the standard deviation.
The nervousness never lasted more than a second because he was so congenial and comfortable. He made more stars on his show, probably, than anybody in the whole history of show business.
There's only three major elements. Air, land, which is your flesh and water, which is your blood. You're walking on a third of yourself. She's called Mother Earth. She gave birth to your ass. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, your maggot food ass going right back to her!
It’s something I’ve always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the "Rich Man, Poor Man" thing.
If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.
The one thing an audience always has in common with a comedian is troubles. The Yiddish word for that is tsuris. You're always putting your tsuris on stage whether you like it or not. No one is untroubled, unless they're just, you know, an imbecile.
Enjoy your popcorn and enjoy the jokes. It's just a movie, so have fun!
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I went into a lingerie department one day and I said to the lady, 'I'd like to see something in a bra,' and she said, 'I bet you would!'
When the child is twelve, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a training bra. To train what? I never had a training jock. And believe me, when I played football, I could have used a training jock more than any twelve-year-old needs a training bra.