Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 433
Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why.
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.
You know what so funny, this strike has been going on for a long time. It's lasted longer than the Civil Rights movement, what the hell is this? It's painfully obvious to me white people don't know how to protest. You need like an Al Sharpton, have a dream, go to the mountaintop, do something!
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.
When the child is twelve, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a training bra. To train what? I never had a training jock. And believe me, when I played football, I could have used a training jock more than any twelve-year-old needs a training bra.
I want you to remember, behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.
When my ugly friends say shit just got ugly I want to say damn uglier?
Always been a big heavy metal fan. I remember being 15 saying, "Dude I'm going to love heavy metal forever. Heavy metal til I'm 60." I'm 35 now. I think I'm going to give it one more year.