Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 433
Even when I was a little kid, I always said I would be in the movies one day, and damned if I didn't make it.
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it’s income from a giant mouse.
We thought O.J. was a fluke. Turns out O.J. was a trend setter! Since then, O.J., Peterson, Robert Blake, who got off on the "I couldn't have shot her, I left my gun the restaurant" defense.
Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? There's another 90 percent of our brains that we have to illuminate.
My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.
Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.
How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: ‘I can’t believe we’re doing this in the White House’?