Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 433
Words like "kiosk", that’s a Viking word and it came from when they would rape and pillage… 'cause they would rape and pillage and awful and blood everywhere and limbs hacked and money stolen, and then they’d say: "If you have enjoyed today’s experience, you can get some souvenirs in the kiosk which is just down on the beach. Thank you, thank you."
When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.
When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said ' you wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!
Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.
Visible matter is 4% of the universe.The rest is 'dark matter'. I would argue a third type which describes most of my world. Doesn't matter.
It's always cool to meet people who can do things that you have no capacity to do.
The subtext of every one of these beautiful poems is that it doesn't matter how big your cock is, it's what you do with it. Like the guy with the giant cock would have no clue.
I usually meet people at my doctors' offices because I go all the time. It's embarrassing. Like at the skin doctor last week, in the lobby, the nurse said, 'Hi Mr. Lewis. Do you still have that rash on your behind?'