Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 433
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don't even understand how anyone would want that job at all. Although I would be able to play golf which I don't seem to have time now.
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!
Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.
I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry."
My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.
Dog Park was a blast. I love Bruce McCulloch. That was a case of the studio taking the cut away from the director, and it went from being a great movie to a shitty movie. Bruce's original cut that I saw was hilarious.
Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
You know, if a woman falls over wearing heels, that's embarrassing, but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself. It's the end of your life. Its quite difficult.
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.