Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 475

Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.

I was working recently in London - what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn't used to their money, though, 'cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates - the cashier said, 'That'll be 10 pounds.' I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'

We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That’s when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.

When life gives you lemons... they could really be oranges.

I always make fun of KISS because I don't particularly think their music is anything.

Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'Fuck that.'

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Pussy really is the main motivating factor in all of humankind. It really is. It's what gets shit built. [reacting to applause from the audience]: I'm not 'yeah' for pussy. This is a flaw in the system, don't clap for it! [I'm] saying, they know that is a catalyst, and that's why religion and government have to control supply and demand of pussy. And they do that by heaping shame upon you should you want to give away more than the 'federally allocated recommended daily allowance of pussy'. "Oh, she wants to suck more than one dick?! Whore! Shun your natural instinct, whore, or nothing'll get built." — It comes down to production, it really does. They have to keep that pussy like a dangling carrot, something that's hard to get so he keeps running on the treadmill, building more shit, sending out more boxes to the dollar store, pointless shit that no one needs. — That's why cocaine is illegal: it makes pussy too easy to get.

When I worked in clubs, I had to be alert until 2, maybe 3 in the morning. I found it best to sleep during the daytime.

I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.