Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 475
My parents were very protective of me. Whenever I went to cross the street, they would get very excited and start making bets.
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.
It's lunch time in the Diamond District. All the stores close down and the street is filled with chasidim, who suddenly find themselves caught in Yidlock.
The jokes now, it’s just more stories and personal experiences. And just talking about things that really happened. It’s just becoming more comfortable as a performer, sharing my opinions on things, or things that’ve happened to me. That’s where it’s really going.
I would like it if men had to partake in the same hormonal cycles to which we’re subjected monthly. Maybe that’s why men declare war so often, they have this need to bleed on a regular basis.
My wife gets mad because we'll be in the middle of something and I'll stop and say, 'No, I've got to write this down!' She'll say, 'No! We're in a discussion!' I say, 'I know, but it's hilarious!'
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?"
Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.
A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy.
I didn't apply to different schools. I wasn't really sure what I was going to do.
Speaking of Quarterback nicknames, you hear they’re calling Jay Cutler 50 cent? Because you only get two quarters out of him.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."