Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 492
I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.
Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh.
The last president that anybody wanted to fuck was JFK. A woman president could be voted in if guys wanted to fuck her. If a female candidate with lots of sex appeal ever came along, her entire campaign could be “So vote for me and maybe I'll fuck ya”. She'd win by a landslide 'cause guys will do anything to get laid.
The comic strip is what I looked at, and it's another reason I did it. The comic strip, where animals would comment on human behaviour, interested me.
The NAACP is a wonderful organization. Belong to it myself. But do you realize if tomorrow morning we had complete integration, all them cats would be out of work?
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.
I hate when people ask me the time on the street 'cause something happens to me. I just panic. I can't read my watch. When I'm alone, I'm great at reading my watch, but when someone asks me, I just have this anxiety attack, and I just can't make it out... I always end up saying something useless, like, 'It's 20 of 9:40.'
People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, 'Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there 'cause as soon as you get there, they kill you.' That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away... That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day.
If somebody pisses me off and I understand it ain't personal then I'll go to another place and I'll meditate.
Being a professional comedian is doing it right and good, when you don’t feel like it.
Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
Ain't no black people don't fuck with no bombs. We don't fit that profile. 'Cause you've got to be on time with a bomb.