Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 492

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Sometimes you can make friends, and sometimes you can take friends. Sometimes people want to be friends with you, and you gotta be like, 'Okay, I can deal with this person's personality and be their friend, but not necessarily do I have to change who I am. I'm not gonna change myself to be their friend.'

Best job I ever had was working in the cleaners. That was a good job. I cried like a bitch when they fired me. They fired me for wearing other people's clothes.

My grandma. She’s into Scrabble. What’s with grandmas and Scrabble? She loves to play. And her vocabulary is, like, way gooder.

My grandmother used to discipline me, I mean, beat my ass, and I deserved them, too.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

Predictions are preposterous.

Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

Can you believe that? She says I’m not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop the music!"