Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 492

People love things about Hollywood. People love to see the inside of what's going on.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do.

Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: 'The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.' Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube.

Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, "Where the hell are the paper cups?" Never got a dinner!

I think the audience should take away that it’s okay to be smart, it’s okay to be funny and well-learned. You can be from academia and be funny; you don’t have to be an idiot.

My grandma. She’s into Scrabble. What’s with grandmas and Scrabble? She loves to play. And her vocabulary is, like, way gooder.

I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

I don’t consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there’s a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I’ll do it.

What I never understand about a hangover is, where does the breath come from? You know what I mean? I mean, is someone shitting in your mouth?

This documentary is so sexy, it puts the sex back in quantum phy-sex.

I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.

I think bears and worms aren’t very similar… until you think of gummy.