Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 493
I had really good hearing and when you're scared it gets heightened so you hear scratching noises or something.
After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things - first, never wallpaper together, and second, you'll need two bathrooms... both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.
And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you are superman.
I'm a Sagittarian, see, I can't be fenced in. I been living in Las Vegas, greatest city in the world. I look out my window for 100 miles. In Vegas, there's nothing to do but gamble, drink or have sex. I have two of 'em.
Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway.
When we say we want you to get in touch with your feminine side, we really mean you need to touch our clit.
I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.
Whether you're black or white, Uzbeki or Jew... you're probably an asshole too.
How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.