Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 493

Being a professional comedian is doing it right and good, when you don’t feel like it.

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.

We speak English and Spanish at the same time. “Ay, que cute.”

I got real important relationships in my life that are very empowering relationships.

After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Booty is just a ghetto expression, and I'm just a booty star.

I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Is oral sex adultery? Yes! That's the end of the fucking argument. There's nothing to discuss. If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery. And oral sex should be an Olympic sport. I would like to see that. Ice skating, then blowjobs. I certainly would stay through whatever commercials they had. I think oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling ever has been. And if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal.

I never thought about being famous.

Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.