Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 493
Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that’s great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where’s your Metallica?
Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh.
Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.
I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started.
The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.
I am going to bring a more eclectic group of actors and a more eclectic group of musicians from Mana to Santana to Slash and Garth Brooks. I know some pretty high-profile people in Hollywood, in music and in comedy. They all seem to be supportive of the idea.
Good comedy makes you laugh, and bad comedy makes people you hate laugh.
I do lots of other drugs but I smoke pot maybe 5-10 times a year now. I used to smoke it all the time, but I don't, and I haven't for awhile. That's just because it makes me - and I'm not saying this about everybody else - but it makes me kind of dumb and self-conscious.
Marriage and fatherhood heighten the disillusion that we all think we are born handy. We confidently believe that we can fix things around the house, as if it's part of the collective brain that was further enhanced by eighth-grade shop class.
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.
If I'm crisp and economical in my delivery, have smooth transitions, movement and animation, and flights of fancy, that would get me an A.
The balls are the posse of the penis. While the penis is inside you, making you happy, the balls are outside working security. It's a velvet rope situation. No one can get in now. Finger, not tonight. There's another club around the block, it's a little dirty, but I think you can squeeze in.