Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 493
Can you believe that? She says I’m not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?
I went to Las Vegas. I was playing craps because I had a lot of money and I needed to lose it very quickly. Crap must have been the worse word available when that game was invented. If they invented it today, they’d have to call it “motherfucker.”
I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.
When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.
People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, 'Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there 'cause as soon as you get there, they kill you.' That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away... That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day.
When I've mentioned things that I thought only happened to me, or thoughts that I felt had only had crossed my mind, the audience response indicated that they seemed to have happened to, or been thought of by many people.
Adam, who said to Eve, "What do you mean you have nothing to wear?" Never got a dinner!
Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed.
Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out -- unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.
I got real important relationships in my life that are very empowering relationships.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
That would get on my damn nerve: I'm up in my house; the ghost's like, 'Get out. Get out.' I say, 'I heard you, you son of a bitch. Why you didn't say that shit when I was just looking at the house? Now they got my damn deposit; I done unpacked. You want me to get out? You get my goddamn deposit back. You pack all this shit, and you pay for the U-Haul.'