Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 493

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I don't know what your feedin' him, but he is too damn big!

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies.

It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.

Our Christmas tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

You must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

I have Glocks, .45s, Berettas, Remingtons. I like the marksmanship and the discipline that it takes to be a gun owner. I like the machinery. Being able to take it out and clean it is even more fascinating than having the gun.

I decided sitcoms weren't for me.

Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. "Private, shoot that man!" "I can't, he's adorable."

You son of a motherless goat!

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.