Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 499

We speak English and Spanish at the same time. “Ay, que cute.”

So I called back, "Ya, I have ten boxes and... no I'm another guy. Ya and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of... three." "Three what?" "Three... girth units."

I got real important relationships in my life that are very empowering relationships.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

I'm a big guy, but I'm really simple with the food. I'll hit the In-N-Out or just the regular buffets.

And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!

We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?

I think the audience should take away that it’s okay to be smart, it’s okay to be funny and well-learned. You can be from academia and be funny; you don’t have to be an idiot.

I hired three people to watch my back but they were killed so now I have a team of gypsies watch my future and let the present worry alone.

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids’ kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

We can only comment on what we've seen, and what we've seen from the Chilean government is nothing at all.

What’s an archive, son? Is that anything like a closet?