Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 499
I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a career. I never knew I could get such a high from telling a joke. There’s something so extraordinary about having people listening to you and hanging onto your words - it’s a great feeling.
I'm the first to admit this whole salary thing is getting out of control. In the final analysis, it's still about the work.
If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.
You never think when you're a little girl that you're going to grow up and be the whore. When I was a little girl, I was like, "Oh my god, I'm gonna wait 'til I go to college to lose my virginity." I had all these big dreams. Then the third grade just ended up being such a nutty year.
Such a politically correct time. I used to do a lot of racial material, but then people would think I was a racist and I'm not - anymore.
Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn’t get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I’m doing jazz. That’s kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks… Maybe I’m the Kenny G of comedy.
Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.
Marriage and fatherhood heighten the disillusion that we all think we are born handy. We confidently believe that we can fix things around the house, as if it's part of the collective brain that was further enhanced by eighth-grade shop class.
I hate when people ask me the time on the street 'cause something happens to me. I just panic. I can't read my watch. When I'm alone, I'm great at reading my watch, but when someone asks me, I just have this anxiety attack, and I just can't make it out... I always end up saying something useless, like, 'It's 20 of 9:40.'
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
A technique I developed quite naturally to help me make smooth transitions was to use a word or phrase from the next routine in the preceding one.