Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 499
I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
Rise and grind... the money ain't gonna wait for you while you sleep son.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
You could place one product in a first-run telecast, a second product what that program is rerun, and a third product when the show goes into syndication, and another product when it goes on cable.
The other night I was working, some white boy caught me in the hallway, “I’ve seen your show. I love what you do. But you make me feel so guilty. Must everything be race?” <br /> I said, “Yes, everything.”<br /> “Then you must think I’m the devil.”<br /> “No. But you’ll do until the real one gets here.”
Man, what a rough night I had. My inflatable girlfriend ran off with my air matress.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'
Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.
You don’t even know what they’re selling until the very end: three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself - 'Buy a bike!'
I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.
I can work as a writer, but I wanted to do stand-up. And I knew I could, at worst, work as a stand-up. And I like to travel, and I knew I wanted to do an hour special, so in order to get ready for that, I had to hit the road.
I met this girl... very aggressively... I just walked up to her and I said "Who are you? I have to know who you are." It's a good opener, but you can't sustain that level of excitement. Later on chicks start complaining the relationship doesn't have that much drive anymore. You have to remind them, "I'm the guy who ran up and said "Who are you?" And they always say "Well, you never do that anymore." And you have to say "Yes, and I still don't know who you are.
Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!