Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 558

What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.

You know those pills like Viagra, well they say that if you have an erection for more than 36 hours consult your physician. Well, if you don't know what to do with your boner after 36 hours then you are a DE and your wife doesn't know what to do then she's a DA. You two shouldn't reproduce because then your kid's gonna be like DEDADE.

A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

This place makes Mayberry look like a think tank.

I do jokes about the specific guys in the steroids scandal. I feel bad for the guys who did steroids and still suck.

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.

My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.

Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.

And my friend is black, but I don't know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.