Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 557
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.
...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.
I did fuck a midget once. It's true. Cos I had the opportunity after a show. How could you not, just one time, just to see.
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it - like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you."