Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 557

We're careful not to saturate people.

According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

And my friend is black, but I don't know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

I never thought I'd see the day that I would see white folks as frightened, or more so, than black folks was during the civil rights movement when we was in Mississippi.

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

The average person has one fallopian tube.

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

My career and life are over, and I have nothing to live for.

Overheard today in restaurant: "Can you stop listening to our conversation?"

I have to satisfy my audience.

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.