Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 574

My generation is under-entertained.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I read this on the Internet - did you know that 4th of July is more popular in this country than in any other country in the whole world?

Sadly, the worst audience I ever had were my parents.

Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.

When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That’s something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they talk about values, they’re talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

Thanks to the notion of dysfunction, every zipperhead in this country can tap himself with a Freudian wand and go from failed frog to misunderstood prince.

I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'... I thought, it must suck to work there.

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

My favorite item that you cannot bring on the plane anymore: brass knuckles. That is adorable. It’s the two thousands, who is walking around with black knuckles. “Be on the lookout for two oldtimey gangsters heading to the gates. They answer to the names Bruiser and Crusher.”

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Always been very creative. I always laughed at things that the rest of my family would sort of get angry, like not understand.