Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 574
If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?
You might be a redneck if you think subdivision is part of a math problem.
Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.
Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
A tobacco-company now advertise that you can get a packet of cigaretts for $1. The cost of dying is really going down now.
I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.
The greatest missile in the world is useless... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids - for everyone, even if you fail at first - to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.
It's been a struggle for me because I had a chance to be white and refused.