Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 714
My wife would say my worst habit is that I'm not good at dropping subjects. If something bothers me, I'll bring it up endlessly and relentlessly. I think it's a search for clarity, but she uses different words.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.
I think I speak for America when I say, "nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg."
You might be a redneck if you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.
I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.
My old lip color could barely keep up with my busy schedule. In the time it takes to notice the wide discrepancy between my salary and that of my male peers, I'd have to reapply! In the seconds to count the number of women in high political office, seated on corporate executive boards and featured in film and television over the age of 40, my lip color would be as invisible as this glass ceiling only inches above my head! L'Oreal. Because I am worth it. And because holding myself to an impossible standard of beauty keeps me from starting a riot!
Comedy, such a lovely lady, she'll pick you up, you your feeling blue.
Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
If laughter is the best medicine, I promise to continue to make you laugh as my wife and I work together with the National Kidney Foundation to save lives.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.