Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 814
I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me.
If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
TV is easier: it's all planned out for you and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over.
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
I got really lost last year. But I can’t be lonely though. Cause we’re all stuck here. I wanted to make something that says no matter how bad you fuck up, or mistakes you’ve made during the year, your life, your eternity. You’re always allowed to be better. You’re always allowed to grow up. If you want.
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
The economy is in trouble, schools are in trouble, and people have been leaving the city in droves for a long, long time.
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. “What do you want?”, she asked. “I want to stay here”, I replied. “Well, stay there then”, she said and closed the window.