Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market.

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"

I've been a character actor, which I define as "anyone in the movie who's not kissing Renee Zellweger.

It is my belief that Latinos in show business have to be self sufficient and creative while aggressively attempting to penetrate post-mogul Hollywood. Self- starting is becoming the path to serious studio support.

I don’t know, maybe it’ll change as I get older, but I have always enjoyed my birthday and the liberty it allows me. No matter what I do, I can say, “Well, it’s my birthday. It’s my birthday.” It’s sort of like diplomatic immunity with my family.

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

My grandma used to say "Sound your Klaxon when you come around a turn." And I'd say "Shut your fucking Klaxon I'm driving!" Oh we had fun.

I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.

Continuing to do stand-up is always a challenge because the audiences and the environments in which you work very often differ.

I was watching Discovery Channel the other day, and you know that they have come up with a new theory about how dinosaurs was wiped out? It was a midturn election...

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I'm comfortable being old... being black... being Jewish.

Everyone has seen their dad's penis. Yes, you have. Don't do this to me, New York. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. You have seen your dad's penis. Oh, right. Raise your hands if you've seen your dad's penis. You are fucking lying to me! How am I, as a British person, the least repressed human being in this room?!