Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1251

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

You might be a redneck if you look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right'

[about breath strips] Can we not suck anymore?

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

In my day, girls used to get pinned in high school. That was the big thing. Now they’re getting nailed.

My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

You might be a redneck if you consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

[on John McCain] I don't need a president with a bucket list!

You might be a redneck if your secret family recipe is illegal.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

You might be a redneck if... your home has more miles on it than your car.

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show.