Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 2

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the "t" in "often", odds are they're a douchebag.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Water parks provide a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and then soak in their pee.

Common sense dictates the term "hot fudge sundae" has a totally different meaning in prison.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

Is that a cat?!? It looks like a toaster cozy.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it’s the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Some men see things as they are and ask why. I dream things that never were, get distracted, then go out for pancakes.