Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 2

294 quotes

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Horses are among the most regal, majestic creatures to hold up traffic while they stop to shit in the street.

Is that a cat?!? It looks like a toaster cozy.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

When did they start designing toothbrushes to look like basketball sneakers? Can I just brush my teeth and not be "extreme"?

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."

Water parks provide a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and then soak in their pee.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

My dogs love me. Of course, by "love" I mean "poop" and by "me" I mean "everywhere".

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."

Common sense dictates the term "hot fudge sundae" has a totally different meaning in prison.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.