Quotes & Jokes by Gary Gulman


Where can I find a Big Bird t-shirt, a disco ball and a 14-inch dildo? Spencer’s Gifts.

I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.

I think the biggest challenge I have faced is that I have struggled most of my life with often crippling depression which has sometimes if not keeping me off stage kept me from writing regularly and with any kind of confidence.

My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it’s like he’s spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.

I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It’s surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.

I was born when my dad was 50… It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.

I was at my parents' house all day - because I live there.

A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.

With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he’s a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It’s remarkable.

I don’t know, maybe it’ll change as I get older, but I have always enjoyed my birthday and the liberty it allows me. No matter what I do, I can say, “Well, it’s my birthday. It’s my birthday.” It’s sort of like diplomatic immunity with my family.

I did all those other jobs very poorly and half-heartedly really just to pay the bills while I went after this comedy dream.