Quotes and Jokes by Gary Gulman

Gary Lewis Gulman is an American stand-up comedian. He was a finalist on the NBC reality-talent show Last Comic Standing in its second and third seasons. He released his first CD, Conversations With Inanimate Objects in 2005, and his first television special Gary Gulman: Boyish Man the following year.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 63)


I was born when my dad was 50… It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.


My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it’s like he’s spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.


Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.


Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.


A cookie without sugar is a cracker.


When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.


I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.


Where can I find a Big Bird t-shirt, a disco ball and a 14-inch dildo? Spencer’s Gifts.


I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.


I think the biggest challenge I have faced is that I have struggled most of my life with often crippling depression which has sometimes if not keeping me off stage kept me from writing regularly and with any kind of confidence.


I was at my parents' house all day - because I live there.


With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he’s a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It’s remarkable.


So drug dealers don't find it funny when you ask for a receipt?


The pill, now that's a good invention, just for the fact that everybody here knows exactly which pill I'm talking about. I gave you "the" and a very vague noun and everybody's onboard!


What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what "money" is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.