Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt

138 quotes

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.

I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you’re doing a trick, I’m easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I’m quite certain you’re a wizard. But I don’t like the way most magicians don’t act like they’re magical; they act like show business dicks.

Don’t idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don’t idolize people… Because they’ll let you down.

If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you’ll find it begins to move on after a while.

I’m anal and forgetful. That’s a bad combo. That mean I like my shit where I like it and I don’t know where the fuck it is. But I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.

'But he was so great!’ Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation.

Everybody I know is bizarrely beautifully fucked up in some way.

Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges.

Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you’re lucky to be rid of.

Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all.

He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they’re great.

Breakups hurt like a motherfucker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.

Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.