Quotes & Jokes by Larry Miller
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. Then you're pushing 40. You reach 50; then you make it to 60. By then you've built up so much speed, you hit 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You hit Wednesday... You get into your 80's; you hit lunch, you hit 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was just 92." Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."
Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It's the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If they knew what we were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping us.
Manufacturers are making products kosher to get in on that market, plus more people are looking for kosher.
Women are the most powerful magnet in the universe; all men are cheap metal.
I don't want a clean living guy in the White House with his finger on the button. He thinks he's going right to heaven. You want to feel safe with a leader. Give me a guy who fights in bars and cheats on his wife. This is a man who wants to put off Judgment Day as long as possible.
As women well know, the reason men are no good at playing dumb is most of the time we're not playing.
I was asleep, in the upstairs bedroom, in the rear of the house. There was this tremendous crash, there was a terrible wind force hitting my body, and then I blanked out.
Everything's nerve-wracking; you really shouldn't be in show business if you can't stand situations that are nerve-wracking, and you just have to learn to push that aside or rip it off and graft it onto your positive, creative energy. I mean, c'mon, I've been in 40, 50 movies and a bunch of TV shows. Someone asked a few months ago how many auditions I took, and I said, "Boy, you got me. A lot, I guess. 700? 2,700? I don't know." And then I started thinking and realized, "Boy, I guess that's a lot." You know what, either get some hard bark on you, or find another line.
I've been a character actor, which I define as "anyone in the movie who's not kissing Renee Zellweger.
Every time a friend of mine has a kid I go over to the crib and say, "You know, I used to hold your father’s head while he threw up."