Quotes & Jokes by Robin Williams

209 quotes

Marijuana enhances many things, colors, flavors, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there!"

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all be put out on K.P.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.

I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence. The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.

Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.

It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.

I'm talkin 'bout a fine white wine... like Mad Dog 20/20.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.