Quotes & Jokes by Robin Williams

209 quotes

Marijuana enhances many things, colors, flavors, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there!"

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all be put out on K.P.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence. The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that.

Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.

I'm talkin 'bout a fine white wine... like Mad Dog 20/20.

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the Devil would go "dude..."

All of life is a coming home. Salesmen, secretaries, coal miners, beekeepers, sword swallowers, all of us. All the restless hearts of the world, all trying to find a way home.