Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 2

643 quotes

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'