Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 2

I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

I’m going to court next week I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case, 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...