Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 2

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

My socks do match. They're the same thickness.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

I’m going to court next week I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case, 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.