Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 2

643 quotes

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I’m going to court next week I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case, 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.

I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.