Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 2

643 quotes

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

I’m going to court next week I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case, 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.