Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 2

643 quotes

I’m going to court next week I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case, 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."