Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 412

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.

Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.

Mama says that, alligators are onry cause they got all them teeth, but no toothbrush...

They always say before you get married, take a good look at your wife's mother, because that's what she's going to look like and act like. And if that's the case, [singing] I'm fuuuuuuucked! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la I'm fucked.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.

When life give you lemons... you probably just found lemons.

Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.

The nervousness never lasted more than a second because he was so congenial and comfortable. He made more stars on his show, probably, than anybody in the whole history of show business.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

It’s something I’ve always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the "Rich Man, Poor Man" thing.

The people you would have overdose on drugs never would. Like Motley Crue would never fucking overdose, man, never. You could put them in a room with two tons of crack, they'd come out half an hour later, going "Rock on man!"