Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 412
Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!
I don't think anybody should go through life without a team of psychologists. I have been through times when I'm literally squatting in the living room, having one of those open-throated cries, where you're crying all the way to your butthole. I always believed I would come out of it, though.
Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.
Any issues my parents went through are very prominent in the movie, even though they enjoyed a happy relationship. The story actually started for me when my mom told me a few years ago that because she got a job, she never made it to the World's Fair in New York, and that's a missed opportunity that always stayed with her.
Georgia was a great place to live, but I wanted to get out because I knew the opportunities for what I was doing - stand-up comedy and eventually acting - were in Los Angeles.
Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you’re ready to have a baby.
I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.
I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.
If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.
But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.
That is the international baseline of all humour. Farts. You can be as sophisticated as you like, but you have to admit farts are funny. You go, No, we don't actually agree. I saw a hilarious satirical cartoon in the New Statesman at the weekend, satirising EU farming policies. It was hilarious. Was it as funny as a fart? No, it wasn't. I saw Ian Hislop on television at the weekend satirising the government with his voice going up at the start of a sentence and then down at the end. It was hilarious. Was it? Was it as funny as some gas that smells of shit coming out of an arse? No, it wasn't And nothing Ian Hislop ever says or does or secretly imagines, will be as funny as that.