Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 412
I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'
My standup has always been a direct reflection of my life. When I was single, I talked about single stuff. I talked about dating. When I got married there were only a handful of stories I could move over to where I wasn't going to be disrespectful to my wife. So I developed a new routine.
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice, unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. Then it's the worst soap possible.
I find masturbation to be too intimate quite frankly. In fact, I won’t even masturbate unless I promise myself to take myself afterwards out to a dinner and a film. Which is sad.
I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.
If I could have any job I would be a cat… but that’s not something I’m supposed to talk about in public.
We're at a wishing well one day. I'm with my son and I give him a penny, and I said, 'Owen, you take this penny, you throw it in the water, and you can wish for anything you want.' So he takes the penny, throws it into the water. I go, 'What'd you wish for?' He goes, 'To throw the penny in the water.'
There are two types of men: those who are intimated by a girl like me, and those who are not. You don't have to like me, but you don't have to be a dick about it. And after a lifetime of dealing with this, I'm pretty well-equipped, verbally, to cut anyone down at any time.
Religion has what is easily the greatest bullshit story of all time.
John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.
I dated around some, but I've always been a serial monogamist. I don't know how people date around a lot, and not want to stab themselves in the face with a sharp object.
Human beings only use ten percent of their brains. Ten percent! Can you imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other sixty percent?
Yes you can tell how good a guy is on bed by the way he dances. If a guy is excellent at dancing he’s also probably really great at having sex… with men… having anal sex.