Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 478

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."

Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work.

I was in Kashmir last weekend. Went to visit one of my sweaters.

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.

Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, "Can we talk?" Never got a dinner!

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.

Festivus for the Restivus!

I got a gay roommate. I got ground rules. I’m like, “You got to stay on your side of the shower.” And if he doesn’t, no more back rubs.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.