Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 477

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else... I never lied better.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

I'm here today because I hated everything else.

Racism is exclusion, that's why I make fun of everybody.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

If my brain hadn't shrunk, I'd be insulted.

I'm the first to admit this whole salary thing is getting out of control. In the final analysis, it's still about the work.

Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.

I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.

To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.