Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 477

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

If my brain hadn't shrunk, I'd be insulted.

I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'

Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.

Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up.

May a holy man squat on your fez.

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.

My friend has been enjoying the craziest sex life since he got a divorce from his sister.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.

I went to school, you know. I was in grammar school. Once we were taking a test. I was copying this other kid’s paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. And she said, “Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?” I said, “Ah, yes and no.”

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

The comic strip is what I looked at, and it's another reason I did it. The comic strip, where animals would comment on human behaviour, interested me.

The NAACP is a wonderful organization. Belong to it myself. But do you realize if tomorrow morning we had complete integration, all them cats would be out of work?

Every new routine I have ever written and performed probably occurred extemporaneously. Then after you have fleshed it out and tried it out in front of a number of audiences and it works, you put it down on paper.