Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 518

My grandmother used to discipline me, I mean, beat my ass, and I deserved them, too.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

Onstage, I'm still wearing my fabulous, sheer dresses because I'm not that big.

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you’ll never see the same show twice, because I don’t like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

You must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all.

Religion to me is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.

I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable you in spats.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!

You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.

President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?.