Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 518

If I get busted in New York, the freest city in the world, that will be the end of my career.

Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don’t care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.

To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

They said I was worth $500 million. If I was worth that much, I wouldn't have visited Vietnam, I'd have sent for it.

The better alternative to fighting a guy, go have sex with his girlfriend. That's how you knock a dude out!

I don't laugh at me. I used to. I used to get the giggles when I'd see myself. But now, I see myself onscreen, and I sure don't laugh.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

I buy about $1,500 worth of papers every month. Not that I trust them. I'm looking for the crack in the fabric.

If you want to do anything, you got to go do it. Perform a lot, write a lot, make yourself better. Use the Internet, make videos, create content.

I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest.

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.

When you first start having sex with somebody, you never discuss what you like and don't like. You just try stuff, and the other person either goes, 'Ooh yeah,' or they go, 'Hey, don't do that!'

You got to dump her buddy. That girl's a prude, you don't want none of that. You want a girl like your Mama.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.