Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 420
I'm not a gay man, but I will say this: I get it now. I know what all the hype is about.
Enjoy your popcorn and enjoy the jokes. It's just a movie, so have fun!
I'm not interesting enough on my own that you'd want to see a film about me.
I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that shit for free.'
Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.
4 in every 8 math teachers think that they should be 1 in every 2 math teachers.
I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry."
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
You can become famous but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous but not unfamous.
I've always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two foot six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and frilly little pinafores and shiny patent-leather tap shoes - just like the boys in Glee do.
I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's 'Believe It or Not' and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'
I went into a lingerie department one day and I said to the lady, 'I'd like to see something in a bra,' and she said, 'I bet you would!'