Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 420
If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.
Blacks and Mexicans do the dumbest shit. The dumbest genocide. Killing each other other fuckin' gang territory that doesn't even belong to us. But when its comes to those crazy "I'll kill 30 kids, bury them under my house and dress up like a clown", white people you take the cake on that shit... Of all the people who got fired from the post office and came to shoot the post office up, how many of them were Black or Mexican? None. And we get fired all the fucking time.
It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.
You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
I don’t come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.
Comedians talk to other comedians the way jazz musicians can talk to each other.
On the wall someone always has to write, “Mike was here” but someone draws an arrow and writes "Mike is a faggot." Like Mike is coming back to check it out. "What the fuck is this? I was here but not as a faggot! I’m trying to make a statement here!"
My dad, growing up, called me Princess. He drilled it in my head as a kid that I'm a frigging princess. And then I grew up, and I got into the real world, and I realized that no one else was on board with the whole princess thing. Princesses don't lose their virginity at Lollapalooza.
When the child is twelve, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a training bra. To train what? I never had a training jock. And believe me, when I played football, I could have used a training jock more than any twelve-year-old needs a training bra.
I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.
I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.