Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 420
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. And we elected him the second time, the whole world went "what the fuck is going on with you people?"
When I started off in DC, you didn’t get viral first. You got funny first.
It proves that we're all from Africa, you see. Proved through the Y chromosome and through the mitochondrial DNA that we're all African, which is brilliant 'cause it means that racist people can retire.
Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.
I'm a big foodie! I eat, like, three times a day... but most of all, I'm a breathie. Breathing air? That's the best thing in the world! I couldn't go two minutes without breathing.
Yeah I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick that butt up, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole?
Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world.
Cat owners are so excited to demonstrate how they taught their cats to poop in the toilet, that they are making videos to share that gift with the world. Now we know what happens when people get tired of making home porn.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?
I'm not interesting enough on my own that you'd want to see a film about me.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.