Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 476

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.

I read recently that 50% of American adults don't know who Madeleine Albright is. Can you believe that? She was so good on 'Murder, She Wrote.'

Comedy is a very approval-oriented field.

Hollywood isn't your cesspool, America. It's your mirror.

Playing Xbox for 23 hours straight is cool and all, but I’m going to teach you how to spend time on things in your life that will get you the following two things: paid and laid.

I've always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two foot six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and frilly little pinafores and shiny patent-leather tap shoes - just like the boys in Glee do.

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.

You know that song that asks, "Why do fools fall in love?"? I think the obvious answer is because they're fools.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

When we say we want you to get in touch with your feminine side, we really mean you need to touch our clit.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.