Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 476

Video games are so popular these days, getting the opportunity to star in one is something special. More people should do it.

They tell me now that SpongeBob is gay. SquarePants is not gay. Tight pants maybe. SpongeBob Hot Pants? You go, girl!

They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.

There's this new device you can buy for your car and it's got a keyless device and you press it, it's got a heartbeat detector on it. So you aim it at your car, you press it, if it flashes that means someone is in your car and they're going to kill you, all right? It's not going to be good -- so you press it. If you want to buy it it's like $550. If you do not have that money you can do the old school route which is just look in the window.

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive.

Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniums.

I'm a big guy, but I'm really simple with the food. I'll hit the In-N-Out or just the regular buffets.

I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino. What's the difference? The difference is, my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo.

Rejection kills, disappointment only maims.

I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that, I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody, "Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee me I couldn't tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me- Meee- Mee- Me- Me!" Beware the me monster.

Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many fucking questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you fucking win that argument.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts.