Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 476
If I have to be a monotheist, y’know pick one, I’m picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.
You can get to the next level if you're willing to give up everything and give everything you have in your heart to make it.
Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!
Do you know? What the fuck do women want? l know what you want: everything.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I'm a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
What I have in common with the character in "Truman" is this incredible need to please people. I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started.
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
I want to tell you about a woman I have been married to for ten years, my wife, Ann, who speaking truthfully, saved me from myself. Who saved me from destroying myself because of my background. Who saved me from wasting my life, drinking my life away, never fulfilling my dreams because of what I had come from, and truly believing and loving - truly the first person to ever truthfully, unconditionally love me.
Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.