Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 476

My mama would say, “Y’all quit. Don’t make me stop this car.”<br /> “You’re not in the car, Mama. You’re in a hammock with a jelly glass of scotch in your hand.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, "Salt we got plenty. Coffee we need." Never got a dinner!

Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work.

You might be a redneck if your dog passes gas and you claim it.

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.

When you're constantly looking for things from other people, you're not looking within yourself.

You don't want to go down to Alabama. It's primitive. Don't take your phone down there - ain't no AT&T, ain't no Sprint. They call each other the old fashioned way: they use pigeons.

I was a loner and never hung out with anyone. I never had any friends.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

I got a gay roommate. I got ground rules. I’m like, “You got to stay on your side of the shower.” And if he doesn’t, no more back rubs.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."