Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 533

When I go through the airport and see white women walking through the airport barefooted, like athlete's feet don't exist, there's something wrong.

You messed up my self esteem... Bitch it's called SELF ESTEEM! It's the esteem of ya Mutha Fuckin Self Bitch... How did I fuck up how YOU feel about YOU?

I've been a very lucky actor.

It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July.

Making you a pioneer only means one thing. You were around at the time.

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

I chose Journalism by default. I always loved TV, and I had no idea what else to do, so I studied what interested me.

My son has been a class clown and it sort of ran in the family.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

Harpo Marx, who once said, " ." And those words are as true today as when he first didn't speak them. Never got a dinner!

Here's the rule that I set for myself, and I believe it - even on a show like 'Curb Your Enthusiasm': the more personal you are, the wider your audience.

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

In the last couple of years, I guess I've spent six figures on clothes. I figure I spend a lot of time shopping. Eight to ten days a month, I go out and buy. Yeah, I guess you could say that I'm a real clothes whore.

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.