Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 533
I met this girl... very aggressively... I just walked up to her and I said "Who are you? I have to know who you are." It's a good opener, but you can't sustain that level of excitement. Later on chicks start complaining the relationship doesn't have that much drive anymore. You have to remind them, "I'm the guy who ran up and said "Who are you?" And they always say "Well, you never do that anymore." And you have to say "Yes, and I still don't know who you are.
This producer was a woman, a type I became acquainted with at the beginning of my stand-up career in Denver. I cared little for them: blondes in high heels who were so anxious to reach the professional level of the men they worshipped, fawned over, served, built up, and flattered that they would stab other women in the back. They are the ultimate weapon used by men against actual feminists who try to work in media, and they are never friends to other women, you can trust me on that.
Rip as we know is vastly experienced and funnier than I think anyone knew. The show really reveals him to be a brilliant comedic actor.
You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.
Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.
I never thought I'd be a comedian. But, growing up, I simply loved watching comedy. The '80s was huge for comedy in the US. Eddie Murphy blew me away with his film Delirious.
Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking - its nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith, and enable it, and elevate it, are our intellectual slaveholders - keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction.
The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.
I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
Hello. And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada.