Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 533
Have you ever watched footage of the destruction caused by hurricanes in America? When a big wind sweeps across America, there isn't a building left standing. And you can't help thinking: the Southern states of America must have been built by the first two little piggies.
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe - dare I dream it? - maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.
We hate our national anthem. Because it’s “God Save the Queen,” you see?... Now the Queen lives in a very big house. She has barbed wire outside and people with guns in front of that. That’s one saved fucking queen, I’ll tell you!
Harpo Marx, who once said, " ." And those words are as true today as when he first didn't speak them. Never got a dinner!
I didn't need the elf outfit to play an elf; I could just play an elf.
My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.