Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 533
The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.
Hold it El Guapo! Or I'll pump you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil!
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.
Yeah, people ask me about my hair, 'Felipe, what kind of shampoo do you use?' I say, 'I don't know. I think it's called 'SAMPLE, don't take.'
I remember the day I saw my hair was thinning. I don't remember caring much. I don't care. It's just hair. It never bothered me much. I was pretty young, too. And it happened and is happening very slowly. I have a feeling dead people get really mad when we complain about losing hair.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
Why do Cowboys wear a spur on each boot? If one side of the horse moves, the other side goes with it.
People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.
It was frustrating because I didn't do anything, ... I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and he decided to punish me. I couldn't do anything about it.
You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.
Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
You want to track Hollywood careers, look in the real estate section. You see a guy buy a house that costs $6 million, and you can literally start counting the days until he starts doing crappy movies.