Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 578

Here's how hot my wife is: on our first date, she started talking about kids. Christopher Titus: And I still married her.

Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.

Esther, warn me before you come in so I have a chance to cover all of the mirrors!

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.

It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.

Uh-oh, Steven called the fuzz! "Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do?"

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities. I like to call them "places to put stuff." Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

When you’re pregnant, people feel like they can come up and give you unsolicited advice. When I was nine months pregnant, this one woman came up and she said, "I have one word for you: epidural." And I was like, "Oh my God, thanks. But we already picked a name."