Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 578
I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.
I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. "Officer, do you have any leads?" "Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts."
I went to see one of those X-rated pictures the other night, and I couldn't believe my eyes. So I stayed to see it a second time.
Uh-oh, Steven called the fuzz! "Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do?"
Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities. I like to call them "places to put stuff." Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available.
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!
My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12" black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. "Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch!"
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out.
Every time I come back to New York, I feel like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner: 'I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.' I have been to the upper peninsula of Michigan. That is remote in the extreme. It's like Lord of the Flies up there, with significantly more beards.