Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 578

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.

Nobody ever celebrates the "Why me?!" God blaming terminally ill. We should, if only for the contrast they provide.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It’s like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

My favorite holiday is Co-dependency Day.

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.

I didn’t realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents… my dad told me “you’re good; you should be a computer programmer.” I said, “You’re bad… you should be a caveman”

Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was burning requested Nero to play "You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille." Never got a dinner!

I don't want to be known as this goody-two-shoes who can only do comedies where puppies are licking peanut butter off my face.