Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 578
When my son said, "I can't stop thinking about girls," I said, "That's not gonna stop. Congratulations. You're in the club. From now until the day you die, one way or another you'll be thinking about girls."
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.
These people are so rich they don't get crabs... they get lobsters
Christmas is a time for joy, love and peace. And frothing hot vengeance that will never cease. So no matter the volume of fussing you fuss or the wide angry streams of cussing you cuss, your fate is sealed when in mussing you muss with the nastiest of nasties, the Kenge. Well, Ken Titus.
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.
Here's how hot my wife is: on our first date, she started talking about kids. Christopher Titus: And I still married her.
The simple fact is, you've got to view this war like we've been on a long family car ride. Bush is the father and he's been screaming 'don't make me come back there!' for around 200 miles now and it just reached the point where we had to pull the car over and the bad kid is going to get the spanking of his life.
The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
The stream-of-consciousness style is my monkey trick. I sit there, I watch stuff, and cultural references bump into my head.
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, "Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it."
She said, “Well, what are you gonna do when these little boys start coming over to the house?” I said, “Oh, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna pull the young man in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. I’m gonna whisper in his ear and I’m gonna say, ‘Boy, look at me. You see that little girl there? That’s my only little girl, man. She’s my life. So if you have any thoughts about hugging or kissing, you remember these words: I got no problem going back to prison.’