Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 90

I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.

People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, stays bought.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fucking mouth.

I think about my girlfriend's abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up.