Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 90
Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing. Two topless men... in silk shorts... fighting over a belt and a purse.
Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes? They're fucking tools! You might be the first guy who could to do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.
I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.
My dad is still Christian Scientist. My mom's not, and I'm not. But I believe in God, and that there's a higher power and an intelligence that's bigger than us and that we can rely on. It's not just us, thinking we are the ones in control of everything. That idea gives me support.
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.
It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.
Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her husband Claus on their honeymoon, "Stop needling me." Never got a dinner!