Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 90
It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.
Once we used to have to crank up our cars, now you can pop it on from inside your house. Everything has changed except how we get freedom.
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our flag!
We weren’t allowed to have any sugary cereals as a kid. The two cereals we were allowed to have were Cheerios and Kix. And Cheerios is, like, cardboard doo-doo. And Kix is kinda like the handjob of cereals… cause it’s like, "this is pretty good… but you know what I really want…"
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.
One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?
You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up.
I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.
I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.
There is something going on now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm talking about, of course, is cat juggling.
The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. "Francis" was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of "Pope Boo Boo."
Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing. Two topless men... in silk shorts... fighting over a belt and a purse.
Whatever your woman is into, you better be into. Whatever your man is into, you better be into. Your partner into church, you better be into church. Your man or woman a crackhead, you better be a crackhead. Otherwise it just won't work.
She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains?" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh... is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice." And I go, "No, ma'am. "Nice" stops at midnight!"