Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 90
Once we used to have to crank up our cars, now you can pop it on from inside your house. Everything has changed except how we get freedom.
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?
When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida.
Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her husband Claus on their honeymoon, "Stop needling me." Never got a dinner!
How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive.
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
I wish they would just call the news: What's Wrong. 'Hi, it's six o'clock, here's What's Wrong. Now for the local news, here's the worst shit that happened the closest to you.'