Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 2


I love your eyes and their bluish, brownish, greenish color.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

I stopped and I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I didn’t exist.

My penis is so small that I have trouble finding it 'cause it's so greatly influenced by mechanical fluctuations in the fabric of space/time. And when I'm having intercourse with a woman, she can only know where my penis is or how fast it's moving 'cause it's small enough and light enough to be fully governed by the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.

Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers? Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me!

My aunt used to say, slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot.

How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

I’m in magazines full of model teens so far above you. So, read them and hate yourself and pay me to tell you I love you. And the parents always come along, cause their little girl is in love, and how could love be wrong?

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.