Quotes & Jokes by Gallagher

67 quotes

Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; what ain't fruits or nuts, is flakes.

I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you.

I would like now to talk about the Japanese, a race of very short people who are always bending in half. You can't make an honest business deal with them because you can't look em' in the eye. I don't believe any group of people should be able to build a car they can't pronounce. I'm talking of course about the 'Cororra'.

If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

Why do they call 'em 'buildings' when they're done building 'em? They ought to be called 'builts.' Or, 'crumblings.' 'I live in that crumbling over there.'

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Our alphabet is based on some kind of a bookkeeper's code to keep the Jews' and the Egyptians' noses out of the Phoenician cattle business!

See, it's frivolous, superfluous products in America. Like scented toilet paper... is the dumbest thing in the world! The only thing you don't have to make smell good cause it's gonna get fucked up. Who is that smell there to impress? My thumb? If you want to impress my thumb, make it thicker in the middle.

Women wear a pair of panties but only one bra.

If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed.

Iced tea in the wintertime! Why not? 'Cause it's fucking dumb, that's why not!

I found out why God made babies cute. It's so you don't kill them.

Well, see, babies are born with new eyes. They look at the world with new eyes and you begin to see things, too, through their eyes. I had a problem with her with toilet trainin' and I don't blame her a bit. Cause first I showed her you can't hit your cup on the coffee table. Then I showed her you can't eat on the couch. Then here was this chair you could shit in.

Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked "brightness" but it don't work, does it?