Quotes & Jokes by Gallagher


Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; what ain't fruits or nuts, is flakes.

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

Iced tea in the wintertime! Why not? 'Cause it's fucking dumb, that's why not!

If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed.

I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you.

I found out why God made babies cute. It's so you don't kill them.

Why do they call 'em 'buildings' when they're done building 'em? They ought to be called 'builts.' Or, 'crumblings.' 'I live in that crumbling over there.'

Women wear a pair of panties but only one bra.

Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

I like church though. Church was a reminder there was something worse than school.

I have to say something about people, even when it's somebody like Michael Jackson. I have to say something about a little dude who runs around the country wearing one glove and singing "Beat It!"

I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked "brightness" but it don't work, does it?

Well, see, babies are born with new eyes. They look at the world with new eyes and you begin to see things, too, through their eyes. I had a problem with her with toilet trainin' and I don't blame her a bit. Cause first I showed her you can't hit your cup on the coffee table. Then I showed her you can't eat on the couch. Then here was this chair you could shit in.

I know what people laugh at. I know their vocabulary.