Quotes and Jokes by Gallagher

Leo Anthony Gallagher Jr., known as Gallagher, is an American comedian known for smashing watermelons as part of his prop comedy act.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 67)

#1

Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; what ain't fruits or nuts, is flakes.

460
#2

If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

75
#3

Women wear a pair of panties but only one bra.

66
#4

I found out why God made babies cute. It's so you don't kill them.

41
#5

Iced tea in the wintertime! Why not? 'Cause it's fucking dumb, that's why not!

41
#6

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

38
#7

I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you.

38
#8

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

35
#9

Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

34
#10

'I before E except after C?' Americans don't want to learn that! They just sort of make an 'I' looking 'E' and an 'E' looking 'I' then put the dot, right there in the middle!

32
#11

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

30
#12

See, it's frivolous, superfluous products in America. Like scented toilet paper... is the dumbest thing in the world! The only thing you don't have to make smell good cause it's gonna get fucked up. Who is that smell there to impress? My thumb? If you want to impress my thumb, make it thicker in the middle.

29
#13

Our alphabet is based on some kind of a bookkeeper's code to keep the Jews' and the Egyptians' noses out of the Phoenician cattle business!

28
#14

Remember this advice... Never let your mom comb your hair when she's mad at your dad!

25
#15

If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed.

24