Quotes & Jokes by Garry Shandling

44 quotes

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.

Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids.