Quotes & Jokes by Garry Shandling

44 quotes

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.