Quotes & Jokes by Garry Shandling

44 quotes

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

Without comedy as a defence mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.