Quotes and Jokes by Garry Shandling

Garry Emmanuel Shandling was an American stand-up comedian, actor, director, writer, and producer. He was best known for his work in It's Garry Shandling's Show and The Larry Sanders Show. Shandling began his career writing for sitcoms, such as Sanford and Son and Welcome Back, Kotter.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 44)


When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.


I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."


Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.


I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.


I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.


I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.


My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.


I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.


I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.


I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.


I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.


I have such poor vision I can date anybody.


I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.


I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.


I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.