Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.

One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?

I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.

If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death!

They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.