Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.

I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death!

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren’t included.