Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.

I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death!

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren’t included.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.