Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.

One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?

I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property.

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death!

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren’t included.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.