Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle


A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren’t included.

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.

The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.

I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property.

That's your little joke? Don't worry! We'll mop it up later.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death!

One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.