Quotes and Jokes by Milton Berle

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death!

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

I remember every one of your insulting jokes... I use them later.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

Laughter is an instant vacation.