Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis

A woman can have sex with whoever she wants, a man only with whoever allows him.

Political views divide faster than marriages.

Life and mental illness aside, the only reason to stay miserable is life or mental illness.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

Celebrities are just normal, screwed up people like everyone else who just don't know who you are. You're just as important.

Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.

My grandparents - life was food. I go, 'Grandma, I don't feel well. I'm suicidal.' She says, 'You're hungry. You're just hungry.'

My shrink told me that my progress was pointless and she'd prefer to still keep me as a patient but analyze someone else in my place.

First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.

Even if I'm aroused, my penis is in the shape of a question mark.

Don't worry about dying, worry about living.

Happiness sets me up for needless despondency.

I think most politicians are bisexual than bipartisan.