Quotes and Jokes by Richard Lewis

Richard Philip Lewis is an American stand-up comedian and actor. He came to prominence in the 1980s as a comedian specializing in self-deprecating humor before turning to acting.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 276)

#1

Life and mental illness aside, the only reason to stay miserable is life or mental illness.

115
#2

Political views divide faster than marriages.

30
#3

I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.

28
#4

I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.

22
#5

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

22
#6

Even if I'm aroused, my penis is in the shape of a question mark.

19
#7

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

19
#8

Depression can be a mirage.

13
#9

Don't worry about dying, worry about living.

12
#10

Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.

12
#11

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

12
#12

A woman can have sex with whoever she wants, a man only with whoever allows him.

11
#13

First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.

10
#14

If I stop complaining I'll have nothing to compain about.

8
#15

One of the pluses of being married with no kids is that my wife can have more free time after she tucks me in.

8