Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis

Life and mental illness aside, the only reason to stay miserable is life or mental illness.

Political views divide faster than marriages.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

A woman can have sex with whoever she wants, a man only with whoever allows him.

Celebrities are just normal, screwed up people like everyone else who just don't know who you are. You're just as important.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.

Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.

I think most politicians are bisexual than bipartisan.

If I stop complaining I'll have nothing to compain about.

My grandparents - life was food. I go, 'Grandma, I don't feel well. I'm suicidal.' She says, 'You're hungry. You're just hungry.'

We ran out of classical music - that's how long this wedding went on.

Happiness sets me up for needless despondency.