Quotes and Jokes by Richard Lewis

Richard Philip Lewis is an American stand-up comedian and actor. He came to prominence in the 1980s as a comedian specializing in self-deprecating humor before turning to acting.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 276)

#1

Life and mental illness aside, the only reason to stay miserable is life or mental illness.

679
#2

Political views divide faster than marriages.

50
#3

I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.

33
#4

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

31
#5

I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.

28
#6

A woman can have sex with whoever she wants, a man only with whoever allows him.

27
#7

Even if I'm aroused, my penis is in the shape of a question mark.

19
#8

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

19
#9

Depression can be a mirage.

14
#10

Don't worry about dying, worry about living.

13
#11

Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.

12
#12

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

12
#13

First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.

10
#14

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

9
#15

If I stop complaining I'll have nothing to compain about.

8