Quotes & Jokes by Mort Sahl

69 quotes

A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.

Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.

When Obama ran, he said, "We can change the world!" The world: can you change it back?!

If you can't join them, beat them.

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning 50 feet off shore, he'd throw you a 30 foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.

You haven't lived until you've died in California.

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.

There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.

Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?

There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.