Quotes and Jokes by Mort Sahl

Morton Lyon Sahl is an American comedian, actor, and social satirist, considered the first modern stand-up comedian since Will Rogers. Sahl pioneered a style of social satire which pokes fun at political and current event topics using improvised monologues and only a newspaper as a prop.

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 69)


Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning 50 feet off shore, he'd throw you a 30 foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.


Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.


You haven't lived until you've died in California.


Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.


Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.


Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.


If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.


Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.


If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you will eventually be accused of treason.


I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.


Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?


He was wearing a velvet shirt open to the navel. And he didn't have one. Which is either a show business gimmick, or the ultimate rejection of mother.


Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?


What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.


If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.