Quotes & Jokes by Mort Sahl

69 quotes

Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.

Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?

When Obama ran, he said, "We can change the world!" The world: can you change it back?!

If you can't join them, beat them.

There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.

If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.

You haven't lived until you've died in California.

There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.

The distance between taking social action and having the knowledge is as wide as the mouth of the Mississippi.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

There were four million people in the Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong!

Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.