Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 2

175 quotes

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

Do not taste food while you’re cooking... you may lose your nerve to eat it.

Fang is such a drag. He took his suit to the cleaners to be cleaned and depressed.

Fang had a terrible accident. He found a job.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.