Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Respect

Top 15 Quotes (out of 55)

#1

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

198
#2

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

145
#3

I had this joke: "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me". To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: "I was so poor, I was so dumb", so this, so that. I thought, "Now what fits that joke?" Well, "No one liked me" was all right. But then I thought, "A more profound thing would be, 'I get no respect!' ".

75
#4

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

70
#5

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

59
#6

I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

36
#7

I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.

34
#8

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

18
#9

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

15
#10

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

15
#11

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

12
#12

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

12
#13

If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

11
#14

You can't have an honest fourth grade school teacher. "Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Johnny, your son, your only child, the fruit of your loin, is a moron. I have no idea how this kid finds a door to get out of the house in the morning. If I were you, I would waste him and start over. Now, I say that with all due respect."

9
#15

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

8