Quotes & Jokes by Dom Irrera
So he says My wife's a pain in the ass. She's always busting my friggin' agates. My daughter's married to a real loser bastard. And I got a rash so bad on my ass I can't even sit down. But you know me. I can't complain.
You know those Italian eraser phrases? "That guy is a lowlife scummy little fat rat weasel bastard… I don't mean that in a bad way." Yeah, in the best possible way you can mean that.
My cousin Louie, we walk into a bar, and he says, "Dom, I think that waitress knows me." "What do you think she knows, Louie? The fact that your belly came in four steps ahead of you?"
I want to be a bloated alcoholic. That's my goal - it is, I'm serious, because there is no other disease that is more fun than alcoholism. I know it has its downside, but I'll tell you, there's no other party disease like alcohol.
You can't have an honest fourth grade school teacher. "Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Johnny, your son, your only child, the fruit of your loin, is a moron. I have no idea how this kid finds a door to get out of the house in the morning. If I were you, I would waste him and start over. Now, I say that with all due respect."
Everyone always says, "Does it bother you that Italians are always portrayed as Mafia characters?" No, it doesn't bother me. First of all, not everybody in my family is in the Mafia. I have one uncle who's clean.
You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?
My father never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. He used to pick other kids after school. Take them to the zoo. Take them to play ball. One day he came to me. He says, "Look I got to level with you. I met another kid."
Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break... juggle something.
Nobody needs a cookie. You will never get your lab results back, "Well, apparently, Miss Bexim what you need - and I am a doctor, I've never seen this before - some sort of a cookie. You're actually too healthy. You need a cookie."
That's one thing nobody ever bitching about in a restaurant - parsley. You never see some indignant customer: "Waiter, please! Can we get a little more parsley over here?"
My whole family, all they talk about is food and disease. And they're competitive with illness: "I have a cold." "I wish I had a cold! I don't even have sinuses anymore."
I love that red wine is good for you. Isn't that cool? I want to hear more of this. I want to hear more things in life like, "Red wine, in conjunction with a lap dance, while watching NFL football, is the best cardiovascular workout you can have."