Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 2

519 quotes

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fucking heroic.

I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and words.

Not all children are smart and clever, got that? Kids are like any other group of people: a few winners... a whole lot of losers.

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.

"I'm keeping him in my thoughts." Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between "my ass hurts in this chair" and "let's fuck the waitress"?

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.