Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 2

519 quotes

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.

The upper class: keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class: pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there... just to scare the shit out of the middle class.

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm thinking of opening up a motel and calling it "The Sleep and Fuck". Wouldn't that be a good, honest name for a motel, who needs this "Shady Pines"-bullshit? "The Sleep and Fuck"-motel. Get me one of them big neon signs: "Sleep", "Fuck", "Sleep", "Fuck".

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and words.

It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it's one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job... Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting, and seated on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!"

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.