Quotes and Jokes by Jack Benny

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.