Quotes and Jokes by Jack Benny

Jack Benny, often called "Jackson" on his own show, was an American comedian, vaudevillian, radio, television and film actor, and violinist.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 44)


I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.


I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.


I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.


I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.


Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"


Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.


No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.


I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.


Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"


Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.


A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.


Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.


I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.


A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.


I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.