Quotes & Jokes by Jack Benny


I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Last time I got a standing ovation was in England when I played with the London Philharmonic. I played the Wieniawski Concerto, and when I finished, the whole audience stood up - and walked out!

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.

I went into Claridge's for lunch the other day - all I ordered was a fruit salad and coffee, and I had to book another week at the Palladium.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"