Quotes & Jokes by Jack Benny
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Last time I got a standing ovation was in England when I played with the London Philharmonic. I played the Wieniawski Concerto, and when I finished, the whole audience stood up - and walked out!
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.
A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
I went into Claridge's for lunch the other day - all I ordered was a fruit salad and coffee, and I had to book another week at the Palladium.
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.
Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.