Quotes & Jokes by Jack Benny

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Last time I got a standing ovation was in England when I played with the London Philharmonic. I played the Wieniawski Concerto, and when I finished, the whole audience stood up - and walked out!

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.

I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.

I went into Claridge's for lunch the other day - all I ordered was a fruit salad and coffee, and I had to book another week at the Palladium.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.