Top 10 Stand-Up Comedians

Adam Sandler

Mama says that, happiness is from magic rays of sunshine that come down when you're feeling blue...

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Bill Hicks

I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. "I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs." "I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking." Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!

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Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. "Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I’m addicted to them." It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, "Do you see that, honey?... Why can’t you be that skinny?"

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Bonnie McFarlane

My sister is also retarded. Across the board. She's a one hundred per cent, honest to goodness, born that way retard. I learned a long time ago that if you're going to tell a story about your retarded sister, you need to mention she's retarded right off the bat or inevitably, at the end of the story, someone will say, "What... is she, retarded?" And then you have to go, "Uh... yeah, she is." Followed by a lengthy, awkward silence.

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Ray Romano

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.

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Aisha Tyler

When you first start dating somebody everything they do for you is adorable… “Oh look he gave me a coupon for a hug! Isn’t that sweet!” When you are married that shit goes out the windows. There’s no homemade gifts in marriage. “Man, it is my birthday. Where is my stuff?... I want some jewelry. Every kiss begins with K jackass!”

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Steven Wright

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

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George Carlin

Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. They're privileges. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter.

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Amy Poehler

I don’t think a man who is fifteen years younger than me should tell me he is proud of me unless he is my sober coach or my time-travel dad.

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Aries Spears

How do you ask a woman to gargle your nuts?

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