Quotes & Jokes about Heaven / page 2

32 quotes

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

'I was in heaven and I was in hell, believe in neither but fear them as well'... damn! Were you really in heaven and were you in hell? Here on earth or did you visit another land? This fucking jerk off…

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

I’m driving down the highway, there’s a guy hitchhiking he’s holding a sign that says ‘heaven’. So i hit him.

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.

It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.

You know a religion has no sense of humor, when a guy can stand up and say, ‘you know, if you commit suicide for Allah, after you die you will be met in heaven by 70 virgins,' and nobody in the room just goes, 'Ahahaha! Son of a bitch! That was great!'

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.

"According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan’s next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He’s a convicted drug dealer who’s been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.