Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr

82 quotes

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

They're all mine... Of course, I'd trade any one of them for a dishwasher.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.

This town is a back-stabbing, scum-sucking, small-minded town, but thanks for the money.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.

I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!

Legalize hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalize marijuana too. Let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctors' pills that kill the liver.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.