Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr
People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.
I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!
Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
This town is a back-stabbing, scum-sucking, small-minded town, but thanks for the money.
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.
Legalize hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalize marijuana too. Let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctors' pills that kill the liver.
Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.
Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas.
Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.