Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr

82 quotes

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas.

I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

Legalize hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalize marijuana too. Let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctors' pills that kill the liver.

I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.

I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!

This town is a back-stabbing, scum-sucking, small-minded town, but thanks for the money.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.