Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr

82 quotes

People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas.

I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

This town is a back-stabbing, scum-sucking, small-minded town, but thanks for the money.

Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.

They're all mine... Of course, I'd trade any one of them for a dishwasher.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!