Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.