Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
Six months ago, in Saudi Arabia, a suicide bomber managed to get close to a Saudi prince. And he did this by hiding a bomb inside him; he managed to get explosives and a detonator inside his anus. And he detonated that bomb, killing nobody -- apart from himself -- a lot. When I first heard that story, my instinctive reaction was, that is definitely the world's greatest missed opportunity for a pull my finger joke.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.
Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.