Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I'm really funny now.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!