Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.