Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.