Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] What is Stephen Hawking's personal best for the London marathon?

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.