Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.
The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.