Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.