Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

I'm a cautious pessimist.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.