Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.