Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You don't have anything; you don't own anything.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.