Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.