Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".