Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.
All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?