Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.
It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."