Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.