Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I'm really funny now.

The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.