Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.