Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I love Steven Wright.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.