Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Everything that people say is testable.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I love Steven Wright.