Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.