Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.
Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.
I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.