Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.