Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I just want to be killer funny. You know kick ass piss in your pants run out of the theatre and rip you dick off and throw yourself into traffic funny!
The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.