Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.