Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.