Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.
I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"