Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.