Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

I think; therefore I worry.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

You might be a redneck if you think cur is a breed of dog.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.