Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.
I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.