Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.