Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.