Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.