Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.