Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.