Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.