Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.