Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.
I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?
It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.