Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'
There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.