Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!
I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…
You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.