Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'
There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."