Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'