Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.