Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?