Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.