Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

You might be a redneck if you think cur is a breed of dog.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!