Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.