Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.