Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I think; therefore I worry.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.