Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.