Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.