Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.