Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.