Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...
You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.