Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.