Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I lapsed into rude.

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.