Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.