Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!