Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.