Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

You might be a redneck if you roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?