Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.