Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…
I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."
The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.
When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.
Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.