Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

He who hesitates is probably right.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?

At one point he decided enough was enough.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.