Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.