Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!