Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.