Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.