Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.