Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.