Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.