Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.