Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.