Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.

This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.