Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.