Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I'm a mischievous drunk.