Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."
The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.