Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

He who hesitates is probably right.