Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.