Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Everything that people say is testable.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

I love Steven Wright.

Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes.