Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.