Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.