Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.