Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.
Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realize that that’s maybe a bit long.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.