Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.