Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?