Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".