Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.