Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.