Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

18,873 quotes

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.