Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

We women have to stick together.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.