Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?