Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.