Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'