Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.