Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!
My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.
A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.