Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.