Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.