Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I love Steven Wright.

I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.