Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
