Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.
But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.
We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.
I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.
I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...