Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.