Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Everything that people say is testable.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.