Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I'm a mischievous drunk.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] How long is a Scottish winter?