Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
