Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?