Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.
Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.