Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.