Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.