Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.