Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.