Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.