Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.