Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.