Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”