Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.