Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.