Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.