Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.
I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.