Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.