Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”