Quotes and Jokes by Jay Leno

James Douglas Muir Leno is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and television host. After doing stand-up comedy for years, he became the host of NBC's The Tonight Show with Jay Leno from 1992 to 2009.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 224)

#1

There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.

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#2

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device. They made their name bigger.

128
#3

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

94
#4

With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

63
#5

Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England.

37
#6

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.

36
#7

The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.

33
#8

Riding a Ducati is like having sex with an aerobics instructor - you know, I'm exhausted and panting and it's going: 'Are you done, already?'

31
#9

A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.

28
#10

Ambition beats genius 99 percent of the time.

27
#11

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

27
#12

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

21
#13

An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.

18
#14

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

18
#15

War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'

17